A Nova Scotia Snow Storm continued.....

I was happy that I did not have to drive in this snow storm, all others so far this year I have been at work and drove home on the nasty roads.  We actually got time to enjoy this one.  We made clean up a little more fun by using the huge snow balls made by the plough to make snowmen.

Our beagle was super excited to find her stuffed rabbit amongst the snow....

Making parts for our giant snowman...

There were several green bugs laying on top of the snow, I am assuming they fell off our big tree during the storm.....

 Patiently waiting for us to come back into her boundary.....

A Nova Scotia Snow Storm....

One minute it's snowing, the next minute it's raining or freezing rain.

I was up early this morning and put a chicken in the oven, planning ahead just in case the power goes out.  We have a generator hook up so we won't be without power but we have to select what to hook up to it so if we don't have to run the oven that will be a bonus.

We had fantastic Christmas well, I guess I've blocked out the part where our Beagle attacked our chickens and killed 2 young hens who didn't even start to lay eggs yet.  In our excitement for Christmas Day we forgot to put her invisible fence collar on her and so she went out of bounds and attacked our chickens.

It is my hope to take advantage of this stormy day inside to sort through some items, preparing for a huge  yard sale next year!


Where ever you are, whatever your weather, stay safe!
'til next time

Happy Holidays Everyone!

So far my holidays have been blessed with delicious food.......

And I'm sharing some of that deliciousness with Santa tomorrow night, Christmas Eve....

I hope your homes and hearts are filled with LOVE, LAUGHTER AND AN ABUNDANCE OF DELICIOUS FOOD this holiday season.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS.  I love the music, the food, the decorations and I love sharing with my family and friends.

I love baking cookies and decorating them.  This year we decorated a gingerbread house for the first time.....

We attended a local Children's Christmas Party and got to build and decorate another gingerbread house.  My Son wanted to show his work to Santa.  Santa thought it was a very nice gingerbread house.  :)

Here's his two works of art.  All that matters to me is that he is happy.  The look on his face when Santa arrived at the party brought tears to my eyes.  His Joy is My Joy.

Can you guess who decorated our tree this year?  Yes, that's right, my Son.  He did a fine job too.  I think Santa will like the Christmas tree as much as the gingerbread house......

I hope everyone enjoys this Holiday Season as much as I do.  Yes, sometimes it gets a bit hectic but such is life.  What really matters is the end of the day when you're all together, enjoying each others company.

Happy Holidays!

'til next time.

The old saying....

"In one ear, out the other" is sometimes easier said than done.  I will never understand why some people have so much time on their hands or have nothing better to do than talk about others and run people down.  I believe in taking care of MY family, what everyone else does around me is their business.  I am sick and tired of negativity, it eats at you and pulls you in.

Do you ever stop and think "gee, never thought I was that interesting to have people watching and talking about every move I make?"  Well, I do.  Being judged for EVERYTHING I do, whether it be working, parenting, yard maintenance.....  It gets very tiring and frustrating.  But, I bottle it all up.....one day the top is going to pop off that bottle......................

Please people, "LIVE AND LET LIVE!"  "SWEEP YOUR OWN DOORSTEP"  However you want to say it, I wish people would just mind their own business!

Sorry for the negativity, I've been surrounded by it for so long I had to get it off my chest.  I believe I am a fantastic person, I love my family, my friends and my neighbours and what they do is entirely their business, I have my own family to take care of.  If someone is in need I will surely help them, other than that "Live and Let Live"!  I have better things to do than listen to someone's petty dribble....

'til next time (and a more positive post!)

WOW! A VERY UNGRATEFUL RECIPIENT!

We dropped off our Son's "too small" clothes at "The Daisy", our local hospital used clothing store, NEVER AGAIN WILL I MAKE A DONATION THERE UNLESS I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. There was another lady taking donated stuff in ahead of us. The lady that opened the door the first time was very nice, she seemed happy when I said we had kids clothes, all washed, folded and sorted. We went back to the car for a few more boxes, knocked on the door (3 tim

es) someone finally opened the door and flipped out on us. Yelling : "YOU KNOW THERE'S A 6 BOX LIMIT" I said, "no I didn't know, we have 7 boxes and everything is all washed, sorted and folded neatly" She then YELLS: "WELL THE STUFF DOESN'T JUST JUMP OUT OF THE BOXES YOU KNOW, WE HAVE TO UNPACK IT, WE DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH ROOM....." At this point she was KICKING the stuff across the room! I then yelled back at her, having enough of her ungrateful attitude "THAT'S FINE, WE CAN TAKE IT ALL BACK WITH US, WE WON'T BRING THE OTHER BOX IN AND I WON'T EVER BRING ANYTHING ELSE HERE EVER AGAIN". I slammed the door in her face (had to clean up what I actually feel like calling her) and we left. I dropped the other box off at the family resource centre. I never thought I would leave a place where I was making a donation crying! My feelings were so hurt, I thought I was doing a fantastic thing. Guess not. I will never walk on their doorstep ever again unless I have no other choice. What a horrible way to treat someone. I'm in shock and my feelings are very hurt.

Parting with my Son's "too small" clothes has been very emotional for me, perhaps more emotional than it should be.  To me, it's a feeling that we're giving up on having a second child.  I'm getting tired of thinking about it, if it happens it happens but at this point I have had to make the decision to just move on, no more hoping, wishing and planning for it.  Sadness then mixed with anger and the tears started to roll.  When I get angry, I cry.  As I said, I thought I was doing a great thing, donating the clothes to them.  Getting spit in the face like that really set me back and hurt my feelings.  I don't feel I deserved to be treated in such a way.  They sell their children clothes by the box, all they have to do is look through the box to make sure nothing is there that shouldn't be and put it out on the floor!  If I knew who to make a complaint to I would.  No need of her speaking to me that way.

I thought I would post this update of my experience with giving away the clothes.  Thank goodness I already had arrangements to leave the books at another charitable resource, I also gave them the other box of clothes that was in the car when the lady yelled at me.  I'm still in shock....and upset.

'til next time.....hopefully it will be a much happier, positive post!

The First Snow....

The first snow has fallen here in Nova Scotia.  Not a lot, just a light dusting.  My Son was so excited this morning.   I am waiting for the question "Is Santa Coming Now" from my Son since I brilliantly told him Santa can't come until it snows....so, it's snowed..Santa should be coming....right???  Oh the things we say and wish we could take back!!

Heading out to check out the snow.....

I have decided to turn our spare bedroom into an office for myself.  It has been packed with boxes of baby clothes, booster seats, car seats and other baby stuff for years, time to clear it out and put the room to use.  Letting go of the baby stuff is not easy but the idea of having a usable space is great incentive.

Assembling my new desk....yay!....

So, now I have to load the car up with 8 boxes of baby clothes which I'm donating to our hospital used clothing store and 2 boxes of books I'm donating to a local Family Support Centre.  There's many many many more boxes of clothes to go!

'til next time!

Common Sense.....

I have this great desire to repaint our living quarters.  So far, after staying up until 4:00am, I have finished one coat on the kitchen/dining area.

Tonight my Son and I went to our Church Hall (no wine served tonight haha) and helped the Ladies Auxiliary decorate their Christmas tree.  The ladies enjoyed having him there.  So, on our way home he was begging me to put up my Christmas tree (artificial, in the basement).  As the words were coming out of my mouth "Mommy's not putting up her tree until she finishes her painting"  I realized, I'm an idiot.  There's no way I will get all the painting I have planned finished before Christmas.  And why does it need to get finished before Christmas?  The kitchen will be done, that will be a nice accomplishment.  The rest can be done after the holidays.

Sometimes you just have to give your head a shake and focus on what's important. Yes, the walls need paint but enjoying the holidays with family and friends is much more important.

I will be happy to have the kitchen completed and we're taking the time to do it right, I hope.  And when I look at the mess the kitchen is in and realize it will take another week or so for us to complete, I know deciding to finish that project and then move on to enjoying the holidays is the right decision.

'til next time!!

Happy Birthday To ME!

Today I celebrate that I have lived to see another year pass by.  And I do mean that to sound positively.

I started the day at Church.  Today my Son and I participated in Communion for the first time.  As they came with the wafer and the drink I took one for myself and one for my Son.  I thought it was grape juice.  So, as mothers look after their children first, I held the tiny glass to my sons lips, he spit out the tiny little sip he had taken.  I then drank mine and to my shock, surprise and embarrassment, it was WINE!!!  I was shocked because I was told it was okay for him to participate, I was embarrassed because I was giving my Son WINE!!!!!  I know, it's meant to be something more symbolic but to me at this point in time it is WINE!!!!!  After the service I asked my Son's Sunday School Teacher if it really was wine in the tiny little glass.  Apparently 90% of the glasses contain wine, and the other 10% contain grape juice.  The lighter coloured drink is grape juice.  Good to know for next time!

I will spend the rest of my Birthday painting my kitchen/dining room.  I spent yesterday painting the kitchen/dining room ceiling.  Today I am tired and would rather rest but there seems to be no rest for the weary.  I want to get the project of painting the main living area complete before Christmas.  The colour I have selected for the kitchen/dining room is called "Coffee Crisp", which is quite fitting since that is one of my favourite chocolate bars.  :)

'til next time!!!

A full freezer.....

35 meat chickens went to the butcher Wednesday, that's it, they are all done!  YAY!

Days before they went to butcher they ate pumpkin, squash, swiss chard, spinach and kale.

This time I had 26 chickens cut into pieces.  Legs, thighs, breasts and wings.  And 9 were left as roasters.  I added prepared marinades to some so they are seasoned and ready to cook which will come in very handy on those work nights when time is very limited.  Hubby will also have no excuse when it comes to cooking the already seasoned chicken.  Just throw it in the oven.

It took us 2.5 hours to bag the chicken pieces.  And, since we had a long drive to the valley to pick it up after hubby got home from work, that meant we were bagging chicken at 12:30 AM, yes, that's right, midnight.  I was so happy when the last bag went into the freezer, I was very much ready for sleep.

Our freezer is now full to the brim with chicken.  Luckily we have two freezers since, when we arrived home with our processed chicken Friday night, there was a message from our local farmer friend that the side of pork we ordered is at our butcher ready to be cut and packaged.  That is our project this afternoon.  Go to the butcher, instruct how we want it cut, watch him cut and package it and bring it home for the freezer.  In my opinion, there's nothing like watching your food get handled so you know what conditions it was processed in.  We have made arrangements with someone to have it "home smoked" the old fashioned way.  YUM.  I just wish home smoked bacon season was the same time as home grown tomato season.  Last year I saved one package of home smoked bacon to make BLT sandwiches.  YUM YUM YUM!  My mouth is watering just thinking about it.  So, I will be doing the same this year, saving a package for next summer when my tomatoes are ripe.

Other than that....we have been working on cleaning up the garden, preparing more firewood and caring for our layer hens.

Speaking of which, it's time to get off the computer and head outside to enjoy this beautiful day, working on our firewood.

'till next time......

Worth A Try.....

I finally attempted to construct a shelter over my salad greens in hopes of protecting them from the frost.  It's not much to look at, not sure if it's going to help or not but it's worth a try....

My husband wasn't super happy when he found out I used plastic packing he was saving for an archery target ha ha!  ooops!

Because I have discovered the soil isn't that great I have applied an organic fertilizer. Hoping for fresh salad greens from my own garden for another month or so, fingers crossed it doesn't snow!!!!

'til next time!

No Romance.....

My Son is napping, I sat down to enjoy a delicious mussel supper when I realized the chicken coop wasn't closed up for the night, or so I thought.  When I arrived at the coop I found about 6 birds huddled outside the CLOSED door.  I am unsure if the wind blew it shut or my adorable Son closed it as the button was turned but I was smart enough to know the chickens would "go towards the light".  So, I hung my little LED flashlight inside the coop and shooed them inside.  Taking a quick glance I noticed our Momma hen and two chicks missing.  I then made a check under and round the building.  I found her, the chicks and 4 others perched in a fir tree near the coop.  I took the chicks first and put them in a secure pen inside the coop to keep them inside and safe.  I then closed the main door, opened one of the hatches and began transporting the hens from their nesting spot in the fir tree.  They were not happy with me, even after I explained it was better than being eaten by the giant neighbourhood raccoon.  Finally, scratched and poop covered arms later, all the birds are inside, safe.  Or I think they are ALL inside as I could not find any  more outside.

Owning a small Farm is not Romantic in the least.  It's a lot of work!  

'til next time!

A few inspiring quotes...

I wanted to post these quotes here so they don't get lost in the vast world of Facebook garble:

"Sometimes, if you want to keep someone in your life, understanding them, as opposed to trying to change them will improve the chances they will want to keep you in their life."
~Kim Bayne "Live Life Positively"


Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too. Life is a game, play it; Life is a challenge, Meet it; Life is an opportunity, Capture it. If today was perfect there would be no need for tomorrow.


You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Things I'm Looking Forward To....

The first thing I'm looking forward to is as close as tomorrow morning.  Church service with my family.  My husband is attending as well and taking our Son to Sunday school.  I am particularly excited because this means I can attend the entire Church Service.

This afternoon my Son and I walked to the mailbox to check for our monthly Church newsletter.  It was there, full of wonderful information and inspiration.  I am pleased to say I have put my mind at rest and decided to stick with learning the ways of our little country Church.  I enjoy the "old fashioned" nature of it.  I just have to realize it will take awhile for me to "settle in".

As I read the newsletter I noticed they had birthdays listed, of course mine is not listed as they don't even know when my birthday is.  Obviously, it's this month since I expected it to be in the list.  Maybe next year.  As I read further I see a Community Christmas Potluck notice and I'm thinking what dish I could make to take to that event.

Here is a sobering quote that my husband would probably say pertains to me:
"cranky old men/women don't wake up cranky on their seventieth birthday.  They were cranky about lots of things for many years and by the time they hit seventy, they had a whole lot more to be cranky about......Thank God that there are still some years left to work on the "crankiness"!

I find this quote in the bulletin ironic since "crankiness" is something I am working on.  Finding happiness within myself again.  And Church is part of my solution, something I'm doing for ME, to find peace with the world around me.  And since I was considering looking into a different Church I find it very ironic, as if it was "meant to be".

As I read the community events and notices I realize this is what I want to be a part of, my community Church.  It has more meaning than just worship, it's community togetherness.  I just have to be patient and learn as I go.  Slowly but surely I will find my way!

'til next time!

Great Way To Spend a Beautiful Sunny October Afternoon!

We went for an ATV drive........

And took our chubby Beagle for a run.......

She loved it!  As I mentioned before, it's good for her brain to be able to explore.....

I was surprised to see we have Beavers living behind our house.  I was confused as to what happened to the lovely babbling brook.  I had no idea this mess of branches was a Beaver Dam......

The Beaver Dam has flooded the wooded area around the brook.....

It was a nice way to spend a sunny October afternoon.  There are many things on our "to do" list but they will be there for another day.....

'til next time!

They say a picture speaks a thousand words....

Today we went to the ZOO, I will write more about our visit later.  I have been trying to find words to describe how my heart felt the moment I saw this photo I took, but I am at a loss for words.  There's a story in those eyes......the best I can do to describe how I feel is "it makes my heart ache"......

I Think I'm On A Quest....

Recently I wrote about taking the step to attend Church.  I am trying to figure out if the quaint little country Church is for me.  As I mentioned, the Pastor is very nice and the Parish as well but it's very "old fashioned".  I have a friend who attends a more modern Church and I think I may attend to see what it's all about.

Last week they had communion again.  I didn't participate as I didn't want to stress my Son out even more than he already was that day (a long story).  Plus, I had never taken part in communion before and I didn't realize my Son could take part at age 3.  One of the ladies told me I "didn't need to be a member to take communion".  At that moment I ended up with another question whirling around in my head, along with "what are those envelopes for".  How DO I become a member?  I assumed I was a member just by attending and giving to the collection plate!  Guess not.  And my Son is finding Sunday School to be very stressful, which is the opposite of what I had hoped.  Most weeks he is the only child since most of the congregation is elderly and being the only child means there's a lot of focus on YOU!  So, that means I don't only need to find a Church right for me, I need to find a Church that's right for my Family.

My heart urged me to attend Church so I leave it up to my heart to decide which Church is right for me.  Which Church speaks to me.....time will tell.

'til next time!

Getting ready for winter....

We're busily working on our winter "to do" list, things we have put off all summer and can't put off any longer.  We are working on getting our firewood into the basement.  The humidifier is running over time to dry it out.  We have a lot of wood that still needs to be cut into furnace sized pieces.  We also need to repair our furnace.  The roof of the "firebox" has warped.  As usual, I'm frustrated that things are not made as heavy as they used to be.  This never should have happened after only a few years of use.  But, apparently, it's "normal".

Our air exchanger needs to be serviced.  Something else that had to be invented to help a new house "breathe".  Makes no sense to me but it's law you put the energy burning devices into your home to give you fresh air.  At the same time they suck the moisture from your air so you need to run humidifiers so you don't dry up!  The first year we lived in our house the moisture was usually around 28%.  They recommend 55% so we had to get humidifiers to add moisture to the air.  Makes no sense to me....

It seems there's always something to be done, it never ends.  I would love to be able to come home, set on my deck with a glass of wine and just relax.  No thoughts rushing through my brain about what needs to be done, just quiet contentment.  I'm not sure how to find "quiet contentment" yet but I'm trying to figure it out.

That brings me to this thought that's rolling around in my brain.....

Our latest flock of meat chickens will be going to butcher November 7th.  If it is up to me we will NOT be raising two separate flocks in one year.  I haven't decided which is the best time of year to raise them yet.  Earlier or later.  We had less loss earlier in the year, the days are longer and the weather is warmer.  I think the cooler damp weather has made it harder for us with this flock.  Also, the shorter days has made it harder as far as maintenance goes.  Since we both work outside the home, our schedule does not always allow us time to clean the coops during daylight hours.  Also, when they are out during the day it's often dark by the time I get home to shut them in, risking "critter" attacks.  I have been reflecting on it and weighing the "pros and cons" and I think I have decided it was easier raising the flock earlier in the season when the weather was warmer and the days were longer.

That's my random thoughts for the day!

'til next time.....

A Day Of Baking.....

Today my "sidekick" and I spent our day in the kitchen, baking goodies.....

Halloween Cut Outs (sugar cookies)......

And Soft Pretzels....

YUM!

'til next time!

Cranberries for the Freezer.....

My side kick and I spent our evening cleaning the 10 lbs of cranberries we got at the market......

I was surprised how large they are this year with beautiful red colour....

There were a lot of berries to clean so I was glad to have the help....

Lots of sorting and washing to be done....

And finally, four 8 cup bags and one 6 cup bag later, we are finished!!!....

Lots of fresh, homemade cranberry sauce in our future!

'til next time!

A Trip To Our Local Farm Market.....

Today we went to our local Farm Market.  I was in search of Fresh Cranberries and Apples........

I took this photo quickly as we were leaving.  I realize now, had I angled my camera down a bit it would have been a fantastic photo, including a bit more of the pumpkins below it......

I was surprised to see Russet Apples, one of my absolute favourite apples....

And we also got a bag of Jona Gold for work lunches and snacks.....

There's something about bins upon bins of bright orange pumpkins that scream "Welcome to Fall"....

And "Happy Halloween"!

And, even though we grew our own pumpkins my Son was also impressed by the bins of pumpkins and insisted on purchasing a "little one" for himself.....

He was devastated when we suggested giving it to his grandmother so she could make pies.  He got it out of the trunk of our car and took it to our pumpkin display. This pumpkin is not getting made into a pie any time soon.  It's actually a sugar pie pumpkin, that's why we suggested using it for pies.  Plus we have several pumpkins in our display.




The market had many scarecrow displays on the market property.  Gotta love the old tractor, and of course "grannie" in the drivers seat.

So, I got my cranberries, my apples and a turnip.......

A great trip to our Local Farm Market :)

'til next time!

This is why we work as hard as we do to grow our own food....

http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/u-s-officials-repeatedly-warned-xl-foods-about-safety-issues-1.1000314

Hey! That's my cat!

When we moved to our new house 4 years ago we had 3 cats.  One of those cats hated having a brother and a sister.  She was happy to to be an only cat.  She hissed at the others.  Less than a year after we moved she never came home.  We figured she was killed by a coyote or caught in a trap.

Millie, the missing kitty

Last year we got a Beagle puppy.  With a new puppy you're at the vet quite often.  One day I took her for a booster shot and as we were waiting at the counter a cat on the sofa caught my eye.  The people who had the cat live in our neighbourhood.  I told myself, "that can't be Millie" and went out the door.  When I got to the car I realized I forgot to have Penny's file filled out so I went back in and as I entered over heard the cat's owners telling the story of how they came to get her.

Our Beagle Puppy, Penny

Apparently the cat was "found" not very far from our house, taken in and held against her will (sorry, I'm a bit bitter).  When nobody came to this person's house to claim her they decided they would find a home for her.  So, these people took her in and when they noticed that she wanted to run away when they left her outside they built a cage on their back deck to keep her in.  So, she didn't have a chance to come back home.  From the time she was "taken in" by the first person until the day I found her at the vet she was kept inside (I say held hostage, again, still bitter).

I had contacted our local shelters, posted her picture on Facebook and we told people in our neighbourhood she was missing and they were watching for her.  I have my opinion on whether or not a certain member of the neighbourhood knew where she was but I will keep it to myself......

Keeping in mind that she hates other animals and the office was full of them, including my own Beagle puppy, she was not a happy kitty.  She was hunched up in the smallest ball she could get into, you could see the moisture on the leather sofa where she was setting.  I knew the people so when I approached her and told the people she was my cat she hissed at me, her eyes the size of quarters.  I know she was not happy about the other animals and that she doesn't hate ME.  We compared stories like how she likes to tickle your face with her whiskers and scratching the heck out of the sofa (apparently they had her declawed).

She loved me when she lived with me, it was the other animals she didn't love.  She would sleep next to me and tickle my face with her whiskers in the morning.  But her new owners have said she wasn't happy to see me.  They actually brought it up in Church last Sunday in front of everyone!  I thought that was very rude but just pointed out the other animals in the office were stressing her out and walked away from them.

Our Cat Maggie......Enjoying my shoe????!!!

They never offered her back to me.  I would have left her with them anyway because I know she would not be happy in a house with a dog, she hated the other cats so a dog would drive her over the edge for sure.  I wonder what the proper etiquette is for a catnapped cat.....should the new owner offer it back to the previous owner?  My husband thinks so and so do many other people I have discussed it with.

Penny and Our other Cat Max playing...

Had she not been taken in and never left out again she would have come back home.  I realize many of you are saying "you shouldn't have left her out to begin with" but she was adopted from Shaid Tree, a local animal shelter, she actually would run outside between your legs.  There was NO keeping her in if she wanted to get out!  Well, unless you have a cage waiting for her when she runs through the door....

I am relieved to know she is alive and well and, I assume, happy where she is.  Though I chuckle to myself when I think the hissing may have actually been because she was angry with me for letting her get captured by these people who keep her captive in their home, walk her around on a leash and take her to Church functions.  It's funny, had I gone to Church long ago I would have found her.

A Wise man used to say "everything happens for a reason".  So, I will keep that in mind and say she was meant to find a new home that would keep her safe inside and never leave her outside to roam again......

Penny and Max, playing again!  Max is her favourite cat :)

'til next time!!

oh no, a mouse!

That was my reaction when I entered our garage to get our halloween decorations.  We had bird seed and chicken food just inside the entrance and around them I saw "signs" of a mouse.  Yup, poop.

So, instead of putting up halloween decorations we cleaned up the garage and mouse proofed the bird food.

We did get the blow up halloween decoration up.

I'll keep you posted on the mouse situation.....

'til next time!

I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can!

That is the title of the book that made me realize "hey, I am normal".  It is amazing that people would even judge someone on the length of time he or she is grieving the loss of a loved one but they do.

When I found this book, I bought it.  All I needed was that title to remind me that there is no time limit to grieving.  From what I can remember it has some pretty decent information in it too.

online source

I met my current husband during the time I was grieving my late husband.  When I reflect on it I marvel at the strength he had to console me as I grieved.  How it must have felt to hold someone as they sobbed for the loss of their loved one.  He was my knight in shining armour, supporting me through everything that was crazy in my life.  And, at that time, there was a lot of craziness going on!

I wasn't looking for a new mate, in fact I had declared never to fall in love again as the pain of losing someone you love so much seemed unbearable.  I know I was the talk of the neighbourhood but held my head high as I was doing nothing wrong. I had loved and supported my late husband during our lives together from beginning to end.  I fulfilled my wifely duty.  People judge you no matter what you do.  Had I lived alone and lived the stereotype of the "lonely widow" people would have talked about that too.  You have to do what makes you happy because no matter what you do people will talk, they will judge and they won't realize what it's really like to walk a mile in your shoes until they are in the same situation.  And, even then, they may not experience grief the same way you did, they may choose to live alone for the rest of their lives.  Which brings me to a memory.....

I was at a funeral several months after my late husband passed away.  This sweet little old lady came up to me, introduced herself and expressed her sadness for my loss.  She had lost her husband when she was young as well and lived alone all those years.  She expressed what a long and lonely life it is when you lose your husband so young.  I sat there thinking......is that what's expected of me, to live the rest of my life alone?  Is that what I want?  I was already dating my current husband at that time.  Obviously, I chose NOT to live the rest of my life alone!

To this day I dream that my late husband comes back home and I have to choose between my late husband and my current family.  I can't say I remember making a decision between the two.  I do know every time I wake up I'm confused with a heavy heart.  So, those who judge and think you just move on and never have a second thought about your past are sadly mistaken.  My dreams are obvious proof it's on my mind and finds its way to the surface.

online source

I'm not writing this for pity.  I feel a need to share my experience in hopes it may help someone understand the process of learning to live again.  Remember, everyone grieves differently, everyone has different beliefs and views on what's right and wrong.  Go with your heart and do what is best for you, the one who's left behind to gather the pieces and learn to live again....

'til next time.

Is it Halloween Time? Is it Christmas Time?

These are the questions I'm hearing daily at my house.  As kids we can't wait for the holidays to come.  As Adults we dread them, they are stressful times.  What to buy for gifts is top on the stress list.  Commercialism has caused holidays to become a stressful time.  Gone are the days of appreciating an orange and some nuts in your Christmas Stocking.  A new pair of shoes or a fancy dress....Now is the time of piles of expensive gifts to lay around the house until they get donated or thrown in the garbage.

A friend had posted on Facebook "if you could go back to any time in the past what would it be".  That question could mean many things but by her response it meant to what year or decade I guess.  I would choose a simpler time, when we grew our own food, traded for what we needed and money wasn't the ruler of the universe.  I do realize it was a "rougher" time then.  They didn't have the laws to protect people that they do now and there were world wars.  I guess I think of living in a time like "Little House on the Prairie" or "Anne of Green Gables".  I think I'm an old sole stuck in 2012, longing for the days of cooking in the kitchen and caring for the children.  Seriously, I would love to be cooking all day.  I considered becoming a cook or a baker as a profession.  It's one of my passions.  And my child is my passion.  So, that would mean I'd love my job, right?

But, daydreaming time is over, back to reality.  Time to load the dishwasher, turn off the internet and TV and head to bed.  2012 style :)

Goodnight!

Finding Peace.....good for the brain

This is not a post about religion, it's a post about finding Peace which, for me, has recently included attending Church.  It's something I like to call "good for the brain".  Where I'm not focused on anything but what's going on in that moment.  It is my opinion and my opinion only.  I'm not saying I'm right, it's just something I'm drawing from my heart and from my past and current life experiences.....

To get you to where I am now, I feel I have to fill you in on a bit of my past.....

I have been married twice, not sure if I have ever posted this in past posts, my previous husband passed away in 2006 of Testicular Cancer.  He was only 36, I was only 32.  When I got married 'the first time' I was 24, the wedding was very small and personal.  Family only, a nice dinner with just immediate family.  But it was very important to me that the wedding was in a Church.  It just seemed right to me.  We considered an outdoor wedding but my heart longed for the old fashioned Church wedding.  So, that's what we had.  There's just something about the ceremony that makes it feel special, important, complete.  Again, this is only my opinion, what I feel in MY heart.

In 2008 I remarried.  Yes, "moved on" as some would say.  I hate that expression as you never "move on".  I believe the person who has passed away will always be a part of your life.  They have helped make you who you are today.  There's always an empty place in your heart that was filled by the love they gave you.  You learn to live again.....

When I remarried it was again important for me to have a "Church wedding".  Since we both love to fish and have a fishing lure company, my Fiance mentioned a wedding on the Beach, on an Island, on a boat, on a wharf, all very Romantic ideas but none held the Romance or meaning of a Church wedding in my heart.

We did have our photos taken at a beach near our home, we enjoy going to that Beach every year on our Wedding Anniversary....

This time it was bigger.  This was the first time my current husband got married so we had family and friends, a brides maid and a best man, a flower girl and ring barer.  Much bigger than my first wedding.  We had a good sized reception with a DJ.....  Sorry, I'm getting a bit off track!  Back to the point....the day we got married was the last time I was in a church for a few years, well other than a funeral or two maybe.  Not that the church wasn't on my mind......

From the time I got married the first time in 1998 I wanted to attend Church, and probably before that.  The Church we married in was at the beginning of our road and every single time I drove past it I thought about attending that Sundays service.  I never did.  Shortly after my second husband and I married we moved.  The Church we married in is also visible from the road I travel every day.  And, I always think the same thing when I drive by, I should attend service this Sunday.

I am proud to say I finally did it, I've started attending Church.  It's been a little crazy since my Son has also started Sunday school and I have to try to be at Church and Sunday school at the same time.  But it wouldn't be my life if it weren't a bit crazy, even attending Church is complicated!  It's an "old fashioned" Church.  Very small and quaint.

This Sunday my husband graciously went with us so I could attend Church while he took our Son to Sunday school.  It was the first full service I got to attend, by myself.  It was peaceful, "good for my brain".  Even though I was nervous about finding the hymns, about what the envelope and pencil was for in front of me (whether I put my offerings directly in the plate or in the envelope) and realized I forgot to give my son his donation, I still found it peaceful.  It was Communion Day, I have never witnessed Communion.  So, once the "Giving of Thanks" was finished, I quietly exited to attend the final few minutes of Sunday School and give my Son his donation.  So, I still didn't witness Communion.

I'm not sure where my desire to attend Church comes from.  My family never attended Church when I was a child. I "quite" Sunday school when I was 6 if I remember correctly.  Maybe it's "in my blood".  My mother speaks of walking to Church as a child and expresses a desire to go to Church herself.  She is considering attending with me, which would be nice.

Walking into the Church has been a bit "weird" for lack of a better word.  I feel as if I'm imposing.  I don't see it as "my place" yet.  I see it as belonging to those who have attended those previous 135 years.  I have only attended a few services.  The Parish is very welcoming, the Pastor is very kind and you can tell he and his wife are very caring people.  It's amusing to me that the members of the Parish are actually just realizing "who I am".  I moved back to my "home place" 4 years ago.  This Sunday I got many comments stating they didn't realize who I was.  Maybe leaving before Communion made me the talk of the Parish that morning ha ha!  

I guess I will learn as time goes on.  What the envelope is for, the hymns, how Communion works.  But as I learn I know I will take comfort in the words of Pastor Ben and the friendship of the Parish.  I am glad I finally followed my heart and walked through the doors of that quaint little Church.

So, there you have it, with this post you received a bit of my complicated life history and shared in a new venture I'm experiencing.  When my late husband passed away, a friend of mine suggested I write a book.  As I write and reread this post I realize I still have much to say about my experience dealing with my late husbands death.  I may write another post or two some day and hopefully my words will help someone else who is grieving.  I could say so much more right now but I will leave it for another time. This post is not about grieving my late husband, it's about my newest journey, walking through the doors of the little community Church.


'til next time!!