I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can!

That is the title of the book that made me realize "hey, I am normal".  It is amazing that people would even judge someone on the length of time he or she is grieving the loss of a loved one but they do.

When I found this book, I bought it.  All I needed was that title to remind me that there is no time limit to grieving.  From what I can remember it has some pretty decent information in it too.

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I met my current husband during the time I was grieving my late husband.  When I reflect on it I marvel at the strength he had to console me as I grieved.  How it must have felt to hold someone as they sobbed for the loss of their loved one.  He was my knight in shining armour, supporting me through everything that was crazy in my life.  And, at that time, there was a lot of craziness going on!

I wasn't looking for a new mate, in fact I had declared never to fall in love again as the pain of losing someone you love so much seemed unbearable.  I know I was the talk of the neighbourhood but held my head high as I was doing nothing wrong. I had loved and supported my late husband during our lives together from beginning to end.  I fulfilled my wifely duty.  People judge you no matter what you do.  Had I lived alone and lived the stereotype of the "lonely widow" people would have talked about that too.  You have to do what makes you happy because no matter what you do people will talk, they will judge and they won't realize what it's really like to walk a mile in your shoes until they are in the same situation.  And, even then, they may not experience grief the same way you did, they may choose to live alone for the rest of their lives.  Which brings me to a memory.....

I was at a funeral several months after my late husband passed away.  This sweet little old lady came up to me, introduced herself and expressed her sadness for my loss.  She had lost her husband when she was young as well and lived alone all those years.  She expressed what a long and lonely life it is when you lose your husband so young.  I sat there thinking......is that what's expected of me, to live the rest of my life alone?  Is that what I want?  I was already dating my current husband at that time.  Obviously, I chose NOT to live the rest of my life alone!

To this day I dream that my late husband comes back home and I have to choose between my late husband and my current family.  I can't say I remember making a decision between the two.  I do know every time I wake up I'm confused with a heavy heart.  So, those who judge and think you just move on and never have a second thought about your past are sadly mistaken.  My dreams are obvious proof it's on my mind and finds its way to the surface.

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I'm not writing this for pity.  I feel a need to share my experience in hopes it may help someone understand the process of learning to live again.  Remember, everyone grieves differently, everyone has different beliefs and views on what's right and wrong.  Go with your heart and do what is best for you, the one who's left behind to gather the pieces and learn to live again....

'til next time.